Problem of sexual dependence and overcoming it
Let’s read 1fess. 4:3-5 “Gods will – is your consecration that you abstained from fornication”.
God through the victim of the Son separated us from “world” that we made him a clean sacrifice in the form of our worship and service, for glory of his Name. And for Him it is not indifferent that will move hearts of his servants and that will occur in their mind.
In recent years the church received very unpleasant certificate of that, as Christian leaders are not immune against a sexual sin. I think that that information on sexual sins of believers which we possess in Russia is very insignificant and that the sexual problem is much more widespread in church, than we think. That than we were praised earlier, namely the chastity, abstention before marriage, today many of leaders are very careful to be charged for someone. And to it the reasons of a free relationship in church.
Incentive for abnormal sexual behavior is constantly growing range of pornographic products and all the extending market of sexual services. The phone sex, magazines, with erotic contents in the booth, heroes of free love in movies, the Internet where pictures of immoral contents constantly jump out, moths, in hotel are offered underground services in a call, girls or boys, an extra fashion which is shown by youth. At the same time add the destroyed institution of the family, in society, absence of the institute developing moral standards and moral borders watching it, erased and we will understand that we live in the dreadful world. We endure about our children, for our churches. Dreadfully cases of sexual violence over children became frequent.
We will look at a bible position. Each son, the pastor has to present to the dependent person the bible looks changing thinking, changing life. God created Adam and Eve, for real proximity with each other, and not just for reproduction similar. The real proximity is an emotional and sexual proximity which characterizes a relationship of spouses in the safe marriage based on love. At spouses some diffidence at first of marriage is observed, but they are not afraid to speak about it and enjoy with each other physically, and emotionally. As spouses live in the world of an imperfect relationship, they inevitably face disappointment. At the same time, they are afraid to lose control the friend on another, are afraid to be left, at last, feel fear of own sexual desires.
And many people, especially faithless, to the different reasons prefer to real proximity “false”. What I have under a concept false. The false proximity is, in effect, the illusion of proximity created by the person to avoid mental anguish. The false proximity can be shown benign when the husband, for example, looks at the wife who has nutbrown hair and imagines, kind of erotic she looked if was a blonde with a voluminous flying hair. In his imagination something “finer”. And the husband does not sin at this time when thinks of it and dreams. After all, he can ask the wife to recolor hair because such color to her goes more. But, gradually, going deep into imaginations, he begins to compare virtually the devoted spouse with other women and passes into sexual fantasies which are fraught with emergence of sexual dependence. And then it becomes a certain problem.
Who is such “sexually dependent” the person? Sexually dependent people think and build life around sex. Sexually dependent person, and I do not speak only about non-believers here to reach sexual satisfaction, is ready to go for destructive actions in relation to myself or other people. Sexually dependent person enters a pseudo-relationship with someone or something someone can be controlled, for example an erotic photo, or with the actress on the screen. As soon as we as we will understand that the main goal of sexually dependent person is to avoid mental anguish of a real relationship or even control over own life, we begin to understand a key part of the problem. It is impossible to reduce the reasons to a disease or simply to category of a sin.
By means of the book Life which shows the sexual proximity existing before fall we gain fundamental beliefs not only rather God’s character and a human relationship, but also beauty of our sexuality and a disgrace of our sin. Fall put courage of the person on threat. When God created Adam and Eve, He wanted that their sexuality and a sexual relationship became expression of perfect proximity, and it is the complete antithesis to self-satisfaction. In Life 2:23-25 we read how we rejoiced the proximity. But after disobedience, the sin distorted what was created absolutely. The sexual proximity began to be followed by the moments of deep disappointment.
According to bible model, the most considerable reason or a source of sexual dependence lies in the person. In the message to Riml.3:23. it is said that heart human crafty and is extremely spoiled. It infinite labyrinth of difficult motives and reactions. Jacob 1:14-15 speaks about lust of heart … The dependence arises when the person does what does not wish to do also by Pavel’s definition, it possesses him.
That in the light of the Bible to understand origin of abnormal sexual desire, we have to understand essence of human desire. In each person since the birth there lives the need for love. As to pastors it is important to us to know it in approach to the people having problems. Sexual desires it is put by God, but not a Satan. But natural desire becomes bad when it begins to pursue selfish interests and breaks the Scripture (Iak.4:1-4).
It is difficult to make out egoistical interest, especially in himself when to us it is painful, and we want that it seems such lawful – simplification. But, when we take our internal natural desires and we scroll them to a condition of lust, and we turn them into justification, we cross the border, and it is already called a sin. Jacob’s purpose to describe origin of sinful behavior for the tempted person. The temptation begins not with lust, and with the wrong desire to possess what God hid from us in the fallen world. According to Romans of 1 chapter when we do not esteem God and we sin against him, without wishing to rely in belief on Him, He betrays us to darkness of our hearts, leaving us in private with the power of lewd desires. Thus, notice, moral decay is result of God’s anger, but not its reason. Only on the Grace of God, the sexual dependence cannot destroy the pain caused by a real relationship. Such person can feel suddenly the need to ask God that He investigated his heart, and to return to the truth to see the real, sinful condition of the heart.
In counseling practice, it is important to begin with the reasons, but not to solve a consequence without research. Brothers, I remind that it is necessary to approach permission of any problem from a research of the combined dependence reasons: spiritual, emotional., physiological, social. It is impossible to reduce everything to spiritual and by that to enter, probably, in even big depression or everything to bring together the person to psychological and to relieve responsibility from the person for his sin.
Allow to mention several psycho social factors, so-called minor for Christians, but which formations of sexual dependence during the different periods of life promote. And it is important to know it to each pastor.
And the first factor is an Inconsistent, parental care and love, in the childhood. The family is the most important context in which children learn to be close to other people. The physical touch for the first time is tested in family. The lack of parental care can destroy natural aspiration of children to proximity. The child can think: I like to be with my parents, but at the same time I am afraid of them because sometimes they frighten me”. But present very difficult relations in family. Feeling unloved and incapable to change something, they can aspire to “best” and hope blindly that once all to change by itself and they will be able to control the circumstances, reducing thereby feeling of powerlessness, seduction and uncertainty. They, probably, will try to make all necessary to get feeling of “reliable love”. This desire results them in false proximity. I want to remind those someone forgot that the false proximity is an illusion of real proximity.
2. Feeling of treachery from parents. In this situation in children the mistrust and diffidence arises. When in the basis of a relationship the mistrust is put, it is very easy to understand why children perceive a distance in a relationship and false proximity as something justified, attractive and reliable. The promises made to children need to be executed, but not to break.
3. Insufficient training and an example from parents. Parents have to show to the children what is tenderness that children could learn that when parents embrace or kiss or just hold hands – it is manifestation of their feelings the friend to the friend and that physical manifestation of tenderness is normal and pleasant. No, I do not speak about a defiant relationship of young people who kiss defiantly in the public place, but I speak about simple touches of a hand to a hand or about a counter and farewell kiss. It is not sinful and cannot make horny others to a sin. However, in many families the parents learn that the sexuality is something dirty that the emotional proximity needs to be afraid, but not to value her. Instead of learning the value of real proximity in a lawful relationship, children learn that the proximity brings pain and that the best way to survive is to become reserved.
4. Violence over children. At the same time the real proximity turns into the real enemy. Emotional, sexual, social, any violence leaves an indelible print.
5. Early “sexualization”. To face an open sexual relationship, pornographic pictures, or to undergo rape a wound of the put time. The early sexualization to which they are not ready operates innocence of small children and inspires in them feeling of uncertainty. If the father, for example, coveted the daughter, forcing her to a sexual relationship, or just constantly rejecting her, associating her with the unloved wife, then the daughter can begin to hate all men. And even if she will marry not to feel lonely, then every time at approach of a sexual relationship with the husband, she will constantly imagine the father. This circumstance will cause fear and will have an adverse effect of course on a relationship with the husband, she will just ignore him requirements, even remaining true to him in everything. Or accommodation of all family in one room and intimate relations in front of the surprised children, even let it and hidden.
The spiritual reasons resulting in dependence are also various
There are passive and active reasons. Some predisposition inherited from parents belongs to passive, we will call it “sexual obsession”. Parents who neglect God’s will and live under the laws, indulging in orgies, in “public” houses, in the devilish organizations, in paganism where the cult of “sex” prospers, women who have a cybersex, literally, with the demons who are in an image of handsome men”, etc. all this results not only in dissoluteness of parents, but also children. Here it is possible to include also victims of violence and the victims on which are sent damnations
To the active reasons, it is possible to correlate adventures of wards when they being guided by “idols” of self-worship, lusts, break laws on purity of marriage and lead chaotic sex life. Unfortunately, among youth and Christian it became already not so a shame to talk similar business. These reasons are known in the Writing and God calls it a sin of fornication and an adultery and confers full responsibility for these sins.
What feelings sexually dependent person feels:
- He has a normal desire of proximity.
- He has certain expectations, hope.
- But He is disappointed in a relationship. Having been disappointed in a relationship and fearing excommunications for a divorce, the believing spouses continue to live in one apartment, but in different rooms as the sister and the brother, at the same time hating each other.
- In the past such person, probably, experienced violence, rejection and pain. The false proximity gives to him temporary relief now, but he hates himself for it.
- Lack of gratitude, joy and feeling of powerlessness.
- Justification of false proximity well of type: do not you understand as to me it is painful what to do to me?
Say that there is more than 50% of addicts and alcoholics who underwent rehabilitation then break again or go to the area of violence of hostility of mistrust, rigidity in a family relationship, many become sexaholic.
At this dependence set of difficult sides. At Christians least of all reaches the physical act of an adultery. But it is expressed in various other forms.
- This adultery in heart.
- Peeping at keyholes.
- Feed of the sexual fantasy, using false freedom to feel perfect proximity by means of an erotic photo.
- Visual sex. Lying in a bed with the wife, for strengthening of potency, imagines the beauty from some movie.
- Pornography in various forms. Internet. The computer became for many not luxury goods, but the subject so necessary for work. And now, when became possible, reducing time, to enter a world web, the majority of information on the Internet has erotic character. At first pictures jump out, the curiosity appears then. Following a stage is a justification of the requirement. “I should know what is created in the world and how to help the people having similar problems. It is necessary a picture is worth a thousand words”. Also the person and two and three sat down hour. Today even live sex cams are so attractive to men that they spend hours watching nude girls. The inveterate fan of a pornography, is safer, nobody will see that he is created in his computer, he will put the ban on an entrance in the form of the password. This is not what storage of magazines or DVD of movies for house viewing. Often to such dependence the people who are feeling lonely when also house do not understand his pain come and often criticize. Such person looks for proximity, but being fond of a pornography, isolates himself physically and emotionally. He remains in private with himself.
- Verbal sex. Through communication on intimate subjects. Or it happens during the ordinary conversation on allegedly spiritual subjects to detailed discussion of a sexual subject in the Bible. Or communication by the Phone sex phone And many get acquainted by phone, and stir long time on different subjects of matrimony and then marry, but often such marriage is not strong.
It is impossible when approaching to the help to persons in need, to exclude the suppressed violence facts destroying life and the child and the adult who will always feel defective and will not estimate God’s position for him and freedom from sense of guilt yet, he will not be able to live without tension and mistrust to people.
How to help our “relatives” and “distant” with overcoming sexual dependence.
Allow to list practical steps of the help to the people having sexual dependence throughout long time.
To look at itself it is honest also without denial. (1 Ioann 1:8-10).
Many sexually dependent people deny reality of God and his laws.
It is the most widespread way to avoid emotional injuries, shame and not to solve problems. To deny or underestimate sinfulness of sexually dependent behavior and its influence on others – means to block healing process. One of ways to realize the sinfulness, it to write the “sexual story”.
She has to include spiritual development, social, and emotional and also events or memoirs and as it affected a relationship with other people and also feelings which the person at an extreme event had.
To cease to deny that through this relationship other people hardly are used. Recognition that they created intellectual emotional, or even, physical abuse, over people, will cause shame. But it is necessary to realize the bitter truth about what is in human heart and to admit the sinful addictions to begin a way to change of.
Just it is not enough to admit vicious addiction. Sometimes regret tears about the behavior can be caused by more fear that they look silly and can be rejected, than true repentance and destruction. It is necessary to cease to be protected and remain in independence of God. It is not necessary to put on “mask”, on himself. The decision to cease to consider itself the victim, to change the direction of the life is necessary. It is necessary to address Christ and to begin to live for him. Always it is possible to find justifications and guilty, but then nothing will exchange in life.
It is honest to look at the sincere wounds.
The lack of close relations, failure to follow a promise, circumstance when small children often are left some without parents, will bring surely intolerable tortures.
Perhaps the child endured physical, sexual, emotional and religious abuse. Maybe the spouse manages strictly. Treachery from close people and the distorted idea of true proximity. You acquired the right to control a relationship with people and the right for search of the best for yourself irrespective of what it costs others.
The essence here not in that, is how deep a wound, and that you with the purpose to be protected from possible other wounds resorted to false proximity. Reminiscence of a life story helps the person to open the true reasons of his dependence and to give all pain to the Lord able to cure and calling for forgiveness of offenders. Memoirs can recover offenses and make horny even anger on guilty persons, but at the correct, we will specify that actually, these offenses remained deeply inside and induce us to work in one way or another. We simply deny them
And recognition of pain and the application of God to save you from them, by preliminary forgiveness of the person for the caused offense, will cure and will change your behavior in relation to others. Important also whether you will allow the wounds to prevent you to love God and people. If the love of God something means to you if it has a power to change your life.
Realize that you cannot recover and address God.
Strong determination to look for the truth and long-term change instead of looking for easy ways. It is necessary to ask itself a question and to answer honestly it. Whether really, I want to know God and his will concerning the life?
Whether I am ready to accept the restrictions imposed by the Scripture of love to learn healing? Whether you believe that you cannot give yourself life which you so are eager? May you recognize the sinful desire to look for lives much independently? If on these questions the answer “yes” then you get of you in the way of healing.
Entrust God execution of your desires.
The concept how in practice to trust in God for many – is indistinct. I saw how in my councils about the solution of problems, a phrase “trust in God” caused irritation. When you in life face in tests real threat, it is easy to assume that function of God is to take away this threat and to improve our life. Then it is natural to believe what to trust Him, means to expect what He will make. However, there is nothing wider of the mark. (example of persecution of the first Christians). Often our trust to God does not go further simple desire of change of circumstances or our relationship with people. We trust God to make positive changes to our life. Pavel wrote about hard times of life and it somehow will not be coordinated with my concept of understanding of trust. Further Pavel writes: that it happened to us that we hoped not on ourselves and for God (2 Buildings 1:8-9).
Often, we do not see God in situations which complicate our life. But if in circumstances there are some changes to the best, we say: “God changes my life”. Larry Krab claimed: “To trust God, nothing means to demand from Him”.
Expectation of that everything that is not done by God, it to the best.
To recognize the need for repentance.
Repentance is a change of the direction, but not recognition only of the need in simplification of a condition of guilt. Repentance has to include God’s feeling of an appeal to love and humility. Every time when appears sexual temptation, wonder: “what will it give me? As will affect my relationship good luck and people. Pleasure and pain relief should not stand above everything. By means of repentance in sins, you will begin to understand a source of true Divine satisfaction. You begin to be disappointed in that direction in which you still moved. You begin to wish spiritual change. After David sinned with Bathsheba, he addressed God and wrote the Psalm 50:4-7.
Look for the help in the God’s Word, in God’s Spirit and in the God’s people.
Christian communication is a context in which it is possible to soften hearts of people and to avoid that harm which is caused to each other by crafty human hearts. Look for a healthy relationship and supports
Change is a process and much should struggle with the lust probably for the rest of the life, but its grasp will not be paralyzing and spiritually devastating any more.
Just it is necessary to fill the life with spiritual things. The place empty does not happen. Instead of one idol the second will come. The person cannot long remain free from dependence if he is not dependent on God. To Romans 6:18-23., Ephesians 4:17-25.
The church, in this corrupted society, can play a key role in “chaste” education of the believers and also societies and to help those someone look for freedoms, for service to true God in joy.